July 27, 2020
There are a few different sections to most dating profiles, and today we're going to cover stats and preferences, specifically your age, your height, your current relationship status, and what you’re looking for. I'm focusing on these areas because this is where I see the most confusion, especially for single men, but the advice can apply to anyone, and the guidelines are for every part of your profile.
Put your real age, don’t add or subtract in order to make yourself more desirable. Here are some real examples of what not to do:
“My age isn’t correct on here, I don’t know how to change it.”
Let’s say you made an honest mistake when creating your profile and you can’t change it. Message the support team and ask them for help. If they tell there’s no way to fix it, get rid of that profile and create a new one. PERIOD. This excuse sounds at best like you’re being lazy and at worst, like you’re lying.
“My profile says that I am 40, but I’m actually 25. I did that because I’d like to meet older people and if I put my real age, I don’t get as many connections.”
“I’m actually 55. Age is only a number, and people always tell me I look young for my age, so I put 40 because it represents how I feel.”
Both of these start off with a willingness to lie about something just to get what you want, which is not appealing. It doesn’t matter how well intentioned, it’s still a lie. Be honest, and if applicable, you can add details about why you like to date someone older or younger. A potential partner who doesn’t mind the age gap will have their age preferences open so they will see your profile, and they will appreciate your transparency.
No matter your height, there is someone out there who thinks that you are smoking hot. I know this can be a sensitive topic for men. One of my close friends is only attracted to short guys. So if your profile says 5’7” but you’re actually 5’2”, she’s going to pass on you, and you will have just missed out on somebody who wants to date someone who is your exact height.
Let’s say you do lie about your height and you make a connection, then what? I met a guy whose profile said that he was 5’7”. We had a phone call that went well and I agreed to meet him for a drink. I'm 5’5” and I was wearing flat shoes. He was wearing sketchers boots that had a heel, and he was still shorter than me. Being shorter than your date is not the problem. Dishonesty is the problem!
If you're only looking for a pen pal, you could get away with that, but if you want to meet in person, you need to be honest. And if you wear boots or shoes that have a heel, that doesn’t mean that you’re being false or you’re going to be judged for that. Just tell the truth in your profile about how tall you are. You can even include a comment like, “I don’t mind being the shorter one in the relationship,” or “I’m partial to boots with a 2 inch heel,” or, “I take my cues from Prince, who was 5”3” and could rock the hell out of some boots.”
The bottom line with all of these things - there is no point in trying to share some version of yourself that you’ve deemed will be the most palatable or attractive to the masses. Additionally, leaving things vague or undefined does not increase your chances. The way to meet someone who has real potential as your partner is by being genuinely yourself.
Attracting someone who only wants to date someone who is not you might feel good for a second, but it ultimately is not going to get you the connection that you really want.
CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Not every app helps you to spell out your relationship status, so if your current situation is "complicated,” add this info to another section in the profile.
OkCupid gives you the option to choose I’m single, I'm seeing someone / here for friends, I'm married / here for friends. Bumble and Hinge don’t offer a status menu, so it’s assumed that you are single or if you’re not, you’ll explain in your profile.
I frequently see profiles that either haven’t selected anything, have selected multiples, or have selected “Don’t Know Yet.” Perhaps you are fine with something casual or with something serious, and you want to leave your options open, so people know that you’re down for anything. But this can have the opposite result, where to the person reading your profile, it can seem like you don’t know who you are, or that you don’t know what you want.
I’m assuming you are reading this because you want a deeper connection with someone, so get really clear about what that looks like. Again, your transparency is going to count here. If you ultimately do want a relationship and you’re also open to something casual, say that.
If you truly don’t know what you want because you’re in a transition in your life or you just got out of a serious relationship or you’re terrified of being in a relationship, the very best policy here is to be completely honest and explain the situation with a bit more detail. An example of this is “I recently got out of a long-term relationship. I’m ready to meet people and go out, and I’d also like to take it really slow and get to know somebody over time.”
If reading this strikes fear in your heart and you’re thinking something like, “She’s trying to force me to decide what kind of relationship I want and I don’t know! This makes me feel pressured and I don’t like it,” then this is a great opportunity for you to sit with what is it that you really want. Some of us think, “I don’t know now, but I’ll know it when I see it,” or “Once I meet the right person, I’ll commit to them.” Those kinds of thoughts often are covering some pretty deep fears.
Take the time to really consider what you’re looking for, because your goal here is to have a connection with somebody. It can be short term or long term. You don't need to be perfect in order to find love. If you keep drawing people to you who want something different than you do, it’s not going to work and you’re going to be back on the dating app thinking things like “this app sucks,” or “this never works out for me.” Eliminate that frustration by being very clear and honest.
Stay tuned for the next installment: Fix Your Dating Profile & Get the Connection You Want! Part 4: How Do I Fill Out the About Me Section of My Online Dating Profile?
Want some help? Get support around creating or updating your dating profile with tools you can easily and immediately implement to make your profile magnetically attract your ideal mate and get you the love you desire. Check out the Dating Profile Tune Up.
Learn more about me on my coaching page.
Tanya Madoff is an artist, a maker and a coach. She is currently offering a free copy of 8 TIPS TO FEEL MORE CALM CONNECTED & INSPIRED to anyone who signs up for her newsletter. SIGN UP HERE to get your free copy.
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto
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There are many options to choose from for online dating. I will cover a few of that I’ve used here, and I also advise you to search online for “best dating apps for ______” and fill in the blank for your location or specific interest. Many people have already taken the time to write about dating in your area or how to meet someone who shares your interests (farming, beards, dating over 40, dating for single parents, etc.), so take advantage of that. Another way to approach this is to search for “best niche dating sites” and see if there are any that pique your interest.